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Lies and the men who tell them

My first wife wasn’t able to have children, which sometimes translates to:  I have 3 that I’m still paying for.

I have $800,000 in a 401(k) but I can’t touch it until the settlement is reached, which sometimes translates to: I have never invested in my own retirement at all, but hopefully I can hitch my carriage to this horse before she realizes that the settlement was reached 4 years ago and my first wife got nothing but heartache.  

We’ll just move into your place since yours in a prime location, which sometimes translates to: We won’t both fit in the cardboard box where I hang my hat.  Or, you, me and my wife, won’t all fit in the 2 bedroom bungalow that I currently own. 

My wife and I are in the process of divorce, which sometimes translates to:  My wife would kill me if she knew I said that. 

I can’t relocate right now since I’m about to make partner and I can’t pass up this opportunity, which sometimes translates to:  You’ll have to settle for weekends until the kids graduate high school and I tell my wife about you. 

I’m glad you did the background check since I’ve been waiting for the opportunity to tell you what really happened, which sometimes translates to:  Uh oh.  I thought that was expunged. 

My family and I don’t talk because they can’t understand why I choose to live minimally, which sometimes translates to:  I have always been unable to hold a job or any interest in much beyond the thrill of taking from other people.            

Fun loving male who enjoys a drink on special occasions, which sometimes translates to:  I am a raging alcoholic, which will become abundantly clear when you order that background check and discover that legally, I cannot operate a motor vehicle.

My parents live in a retirement village in Boca Raton, which sometimes translates to:  They live with my sister in the next town, but I have better things to do than visit the elderly.  

I keep my properties in my partners name for liability purposes, which sometimes translates to:  I have no properties, but my partner surely does and I can use the place whenever I want.      

I can’t believe I finally found someone like you, which sometimes translates to:  I cannot believe you clicked on my profile. 

I love the theater and classical music, which sometimes translates to:  As long as it takes me to get you to commit to this thing.

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